Brink unleashes controversial new pitch. PDF Print E-mail
Written by Lukas Pederson   
Monday, 08 June 2009 05:00
6/08/09 by Lukas Pederson
Brink unleashes Controversial new pitch.

As the all-star break approaches, all have taken notice to the KWL’s new female sensation. It has been said that Melissa Brink “puts the ‘wiff’ in ‘wiffle,’” mowing down opposing batters with her relentless fastballs while simultaneously distracting them with her pleasant aesthetic presentation. "Recently, though, Brink has added to her arsenal a controversial new weapon: the Invisi-pitch."

Aptly named for its transparent nature, this newphenomenon has been met with awe and skepticism, alike. As the newly self-appointed investigator of the KWL’s odd and unusual, I obviously had to sniff out this story.

First of all, I decided I should do some research of my own on the possibility of invisibility. I found that apparently, theoretical physicists in the UK and US have proposed a clever way of making objects invisible. It would involve surrounding the object by a "metamaterial" -- a type of composite material that has unusual electromagnetic properties. According to the researchers, light rays incident on the material would be bent around the object, only to emerge on the other side in exactly the same direction as they began. Needless to say, I don’t know what the hell all that means, but Brink must be smarter than those crazy “scientists,” because she found another, seemingly much easier way.

Brink explains that she discovered her innate ability to make a wiffle ball invisible about 3 weeks ago. “I found that if I just think about it hard enough while holding the ball with both hands and wiggle my toes through the holes in my favorite socks for about 4.25 seconds, the ball just disappears.” Obviously, this has created quite a stir, not only in the scientific community, but across the KWL. Some simply marvel at the Invisi-pitch’s effectiveness; others question the possibility of a visually undetectable object, entirely.

The Wildebeest’s slugger Matt Kirsch has deemed it “unhittable.” He goes on to say, “It’s a lot like my privates: undetectable to the naked eye!” Industrials member Daryl Hutson confesses, “I’ve struck out plenty of times when I didn’t see a pitch, but when Brink brings it, I really can’t see it!” Hutson obviously knows his strikeout stuff, too, as he proudly leads the AL in that category.

Other KWL players are not so quick to praise Brink for her “new pitch.” Kevin “Mars Bar” Marszalek protests, “There is no way that this is in accordance with league rules! The integrity of the KWL is being compromised!” I talked with league commissioner Brian Meyers about this argument.

He explained that, contrary to Mars’s ranting, Brink may have found an unintended loophole in league rules. “There is nothing in the rule book specifically prohibiting this. We surprisingly never thought to address the use of magic during games. After all, you don’t see a lot of magic around these days. The Invisi-pitch is really unprecedented. There is a rule stating that Chris Angel, ‘Mind freak,’ is banned from the league, but that’s just because he’s an ass. He played in the inaugural KWL season and wouldn’t stop painting black nail polish on all the balls and bats. He would also stare at everyone like a pedophile at a playground. It was weird.”

Still, the most emotional reaction to this phenomenon has come from league co-commissioner Mike Raber. “I can’t believe everyone is falling for this!” protests Raber. “Wake up, people! She’s just reaching into the bucket, rustling the balls around, and pulling her hand out completely empty! She never has a damn ball in the first place! For once, I wish everyone would stop swinging! If you people would just let it go, you’d hear nothing hit the board! Why do you think we never have to collect balls after her innings!?” Good old Raber: always a skeptic.

I asked Brink how she feels about the controversy. She explains, “All I know is that it’s working.” Well, no one can argue with that. Through 5 weeks of the season, Brink has struck out a staggering 43 batters. Shrugging her shoulders dismissively, Brink admits, “I’d say about half of those have been invisible.”

Whatever the outcome, it’s clear that until its legality can be reviewed by the league at season’s end, Brink’s unforgiving Invisi-pitch is here to stay. Until then, all we can do (unless we listen to Mike Raber) is keep swinging.

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