In past seasons, the league has had a very small and controllable population of red headed players. The 2009 season only had two and a half Gingers; Brian Barber (1), Eric Grimm (1) and Pat Burnell (.5). The red headed gene didn’t become an issue until the population more then doubled for the current season with the addition of Brian Lewis, John Gumpper and Brian Rensch. As the elder brother of a Ginger I somehow feel obligated to discuss this issue.
Ginger ale is not made from redheads, but Ginger root. I figured I would set this myth straight right off the bat for those Gingers that are scared of the fine folks from Canada Dry. Now hopefully I have earned your trust and respect and you’ll allow me to be brutally honest.
We can’t allow redheads to become cool. It’s the last legal form of discrimination we have! An un-named source asked “What’s the point of having Redheads in the league if we can’t make fun of them?” A question we must all ask ourselves.
As I had, many of you learned in Sunday school that it’s wrong to judge and make fun of others. Yet we’ve also learned from Comedy Central that Gingers don’t have souls. Therefore I must assume that those of red headed decent aren’t getting into heaven, and they are fair game as physical and emotional targets.
Most male red heads are light hearted and fun, willing to go along with the jokes in the interest of having a good time. In sharp contrast, most Ginger women are full of a violent rage that only comes out behind closed doors. Many years ago red hair was thought to be a mark of a beastly sexual desire and moral degeneration; which is why any man with a red headed wife is not only sexually satisfied, but usually sporting a black eye, bite marks on his left butt check, and some or all of his nipples are missing.
Unfortunately, the Ginger problem in the KWL has gone to an entirely new level after the recent involvement of the Red Head Association of America. The RHA has backed the leagues Ginger population in an attempt to get a large settlement. It’s kind of like the old cliché story of a bullied kid becoming famous and getting revenge. Except the RHA isn’t famous and at this junction I see no way of them winning this case because of current popular culture.
The difference between Gingers, the mentally handicapped, and races other than white; is the later two have fought centuries of discrimination up to this point. They have earned their organizations, anti-hate groups, college scholarships, and separate phone menu’s. Red heads haven’t even understood the meaning of discrimination. The UK’s Commission for Racial Equality does not monitor cases of discrimination and hate crimes against redheads. Groups like the RHA feel differently and would like to eradicate all negative comments toward Gingers at all costs.
Many of you right now are mumbling, “But it’s not fair to make fun of people with red hair!” To that I only have one reply, “It’s not fair NOT to.” How is it fair to make fun of every overweight belly, bald head, or butter face; yet leave the Gingers out?! It’s a huge form of reverse discrimination, and I will have no part in it.
So, I say go at them with guns blazing and let them all know you’re mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. Be warned, they are going to throw everything they have at you; Shaun White, Dexter, Cleopatra, the hot chick from Mythbusters. But you must resist their athletic ability, serial killer smile, or hot freckles… you must make fun of them at all costs. The rest of us in the league (and human kind as a whole) are counting on you!