Yes folks our very own Creme De La Crème columnist and sexual deviant Jacques Rimmier has been missing since his last column submission in July of 2010. The bad blood between Rimmier and Meyers had finally pushed the Frenchman to Chattanooga, Tennessee where he found a permanent home and a job as the conductor of the Incline Train.
Many of us assumed the lapse in communication meant that Jacques found love and forgot about wiffle ball. One nameless commissioner couldn’t care less as long as, “That French asshole stayed the hell out of Kalamazoo for good.” Life, and the rest of the 2010 season, transformed into winter as many forget about Jacques Rimmier. That is until I decided to do some Facebook stalking.
Jacques hadn’t responded to posts on his wall in months, and that in itself isn’t so out of character, but my gut said something was wrong this time. So I started searching online for any shed of evidence in his current existence. Luckily, because of my experience stalking ex girlfriends, I was already pretty well versed in this exercise. This time I wasn’t coming up with much on Jacques, but I did find out that Pam is now a fat housewife with 4 kids. HA!
One night last week I was having a hard time sleeping, so I got out of bed to take some sleep medicine. And by medicine I mean 3 shots of Makers Mark. While waiting for my sleep aid to kick in I grabbed a piece of cold fried chicken from the fridge and sat down on my PC.
The Chattanooga Times Free Press front page was still up in my browser from my previous day’s research and via coincidence, or just fate, this article was just posted.
Chattanooga: Frenchman found dead behind Waffle House dumpster.
After reading the article, I stumbled to bed with my stomach in knots. That chicken may not have been as fresh as I thought.
The next day I linked it on my Facebook wall and began my investigation to not only verify the deceased was in fact Jacques Rimmier, but to identify the murder. I’ll report back any new developments.