Celebrity Fans of the KWL PDF Print E-mail
Written by Ryan Winfield   
Monday, 25 April 2011 11:56

Celebrity Fans of the KWL by Ryan Winfield 4/25/2011

There are certain celebrities of the entertainment world that are such fans of particular professional sports teams. Looking at Jack Nicholson only conjures up images of him sitting front row at Lakers games, rooting for Kobe and heckling the refs. Famous author and all-time creeper Stephen King rarely misses a home Red Sox game, while Bill Murray keeps his love of the Cubbies no secret. What few realize is that there are many celebs that have strong allegiances to certain teams in the KWL, keeping up with the league from afar by way of the website, as not to cause a sure riot by appearing at the actual games. Here is the rundown of each team and their corresponding famous fan.

Industrial – The Jonas Brothers
The brothers Jonas feel a special kinship with the KWL’s Industrials, as they are both the most despised groups of their respective fields. Word has it that after another Indies playoff letdown (leaving them without the championship rings they so coveted) the Jonas boys flew the team down to Disney World and presented them with brand new purity rings during a “touching” tribute (in more ways than one…)

Town Hall Posse – Prince
A team and an entertainer both known for their propensity to change their names, along with their image, seems like a perfect match. Prince, who has gone by “The Artist,” “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince,” “TAFKAP,” and some funky symbol, is a huge sports fan, especially when it comes to wiffle. Town Hall Posse is no stranger to rebranding their own image by changing names three times; and with their slightly transsexual-like tendencies, they welcome Prince into their fold with open arms. Rumors afloat that we may see a Prince/Pederson collaboration in the near future.

Sittin’ Ducks – Chris Brown
This is possibly the most natural of all the celeb fan relationships. Besides the fact that Chris Brown learned all of his moves that he displayed in “Stomp The Yard” from the Ducks, there is no denying the fact that the man loves to watch women get batted around.

PF Flyers – Michael Moore
Word has it that Michael Moore made the pilgrimage to Kalamazoo over the winter to discuss a potential KWL documentary with his fellow left-wing nutjob liberals on the Flyers. (You think “Lib” is short for Liberty? Wrong.) League management is trying to strong-arm the Flyers and Moore into not making this film, but PF has their mind set on exposing the conspiracies and injustices of league officials with there newest fan in tow!

Shanghai Chuckers – Mike Rowe
Captain of the Chuckers, John Quardokus, and “Dirty Jobs” host Mike Rowe have recently found themselves in a budding friendship that stretches well beyond Wiffleball. Rowe has become the primary advertising face of Ford Motors, while Quardokus has been a dominate Ford salesman for years in West Michigan (His tagline is unforgettable: “Wanna buy a Foucs? Come see John Quardokus!) Ford isn’t the only thing these two have in common; both reportedly have butts that look fantastic in Lee Premium Select jeans.

Friars – Right Said Fred
In researching the details behind the song “I’m Too Sexy” on the internet, stories about that Andy Ross himself was the inspiration for the song, and you won’t hear any arguments from this reporter. Add the fact that both Mr. Fred and the Friars have huge followings in the “alternative” lifestyle community and you get a perfect pairing. But will the Friars avoid the path that Right Said took in becoming a one hit wonder? Only time will tell.

Gentlemen – James Bond
The only team that can pull off the tuxedo look on the field and look damn good doing it, much like their biggest fan. Both 007 and the Gents have a love for fine liquor, fine ladies, and danger. With a full-strength Jennings back on the field and the re-addition of Brian Barber, the Gentlemen hope that their championship aspirations are neither shaken nor stirred.

No Big Deal – The Duggar Family (19 Kids and Counting)
The great thing about the Duggar family being huge fans of No Big Deal is that they have roughly the same number of members, allowing for some fun pickup Wiffleball games when NBD flies down to Arkansas to visit. Although all the members No Big Deal may not practice the same religious beliefs as the Duggars, Matt Zobal has made it perfectly clear they are on the same page when it comes to using “protection.”

Belly Itchers – Shawn Kemp
This high-flying former NBA superstar, known as the “Reign Man,” has sired at least 7 different children since turning pro back in 1989, so naturally he would be drawn to a team that has proven equally fertile. While the Itchers currently boast 3 children and 1 more on the way, it’s only a matter of time before another round of spring fever will leave the other women of the Belly Itchers barefoot and preggers. All that child-rearing eventually sapped the offense out of Kemp’s game; could this explain the power outage for the former champs last season?

Lemons – Michael Jackson
Having a captain with boyish looks and a penchant for rapeability may have some negatives, but it definitely has its positives! One of which is capturing the attention of the King of Pop himself. Sure, MJ can only follow the Lemons from the afterlife, but I’m sure if he were here today, he would be feeding Travis roofiecoladas until he was nice and willing. The Lemons have more roster turnover than any other team, and if anyone knows about frequently changing faces, it’s Michael Jackson.

Diablos – Clint Eastwood
The Diablos are known for their old school, shoot first and ask questions later style of play, which Eastwood holds dear to his heart. Although the Diablos aren’t quite as crotchety or as racist as the Oscar winning actor, no one can deny they are as tough as nails. Word has it that the friendship between Jim Noel and Eastwood has grown especially strong, as Noel plans to take a few games off during the season to shoot “No Wiffle For Old Men” with the Hollywood legend. Because of their successful playoff run last season, a lot of teams are gunning for the NL champs. Do you feel Lucky, Diablos? Well do ya, punks?

5 Dollar Pitchers – John Daly
Answer: Three trips to rehab; four divorces; smokes two packs a day; known for jovial personality and affection for Hooters girls.
Question: What does John Daly and the 5 Dollar Pitchers have in common? Ever since bursting onto the scene in 1991 as an unranked, unknown golfer that captured the attention of the golf world by winning the PGA Championship, John Daly’s life has been a proverbial rollercoaster of blackout-drunk nights, loose, gold digging women and epic meltdowns. Or what the Pitchers would refer to as “a Saturday night.”

Sidewinders – Tim Allen
Tim Allen and the roster of the Sidewinders originally bonded over their love of the Detroit Tigers; however Allen quickly had replaced the Tigers as his favorite team with the Sidewinders. Much of this has to do with Tim Allen’s time spent living in Kalamazoo as a Western student, but Matt Schave seems to think their shared love of hot dogs and copious amounts of booze really brought it home for the Sidewinders. If Allen is truly as big of a fan as he says he is, he’ll reprise his role of Santa and deliver the Winders a few more wins this season.

Golden Ponyboys – Lady Gaga
Some people call it self promotion. Others call it a cry for recognition. The term “attention whore” could also be thrown out there. Whatever you want to call it, both the Ponyboys and Lady Gaga know how to promote themselves. Whether showing up to an awards show in a meat-covered dress (an idea originally conceived by Mason), or pimping out their team by way of social media, both Gaga and the Golden Ponyboys draw a crowd whenever they perform. You’ll have to excuse the Ponyboys if they draw “Paparazzi” wherever they play due to their rugged good looks; they were “Born This Way”.

Kentucky Waterfalls – Ben Affleck
Sure, everyone knows about the budding bromance between Ryan Davis and Justin Bieber. But not everyone knows that the Biebs isn’t necessarily a fan of the Waterfalls, or Wiffleball in general. Ben Affleck is another story. Most associate Affleck with the rest of his bandwagon-riding Red Sox fans, but he hand selected the Waterfalls as his team from the KWL. Knowing a thing or two about being overrated himself, Affleck saw the wiffle community making the Waterfalls the trendy pick and wanted in early. Hopefully for the Waterfalls, their careers won’t peak on their first go-around as it did for their favorite celebrity.

The Scared Hitless – Russell Crowe
Stunning physiques aren’t the only thing that The Scared Hitless has in common with this Oscar winning thespian. Due to a fiery temper and multiple altercations with the media and fans, Crowe has reaped the reputation of being the ultimate Hollywood “dick”, and somehow Hitless stumbled their way last season into the role of the “dicks” of the KWL. Whether it be an ill-timed bat toss, bucket kick or violation of league etiquette, the first half of the season saw the rest of the KWL deeming the Hitless “not fun to play against.” Luckily for the team, they also share Crowe’s affinity for beer, of which they handed out plenty in an attempt to crawl back into the good graces of the league. You may not see the highest quality of play at a Scared Hitless game, but at least you will leave entertained. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Last Updated on Monday, 09 May 2011 13:14
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