Sittin' Ducks or X-files-ish Supernatural Ducks? PDF Print E-mail
Written by Lukas Pederson   
Sunday, 21 March 2010 05:00
Sittin’ Ducks or X-Files-ish Supernatural Ducks? 3/21/10 by Lukas Pederson

As the 2010 KWL season approaches, one of the looming mysteries is just what each team’s roster will look like when they take the field in late April. In the case of the Sittin’ Ducks, who will return to action after a year of hiatus (in name only), rumors are swirling about one of their new players.

Inspired by the ideas of both Mason Everett (see 2009 column “I’ve Created a Monster... Wiffler”) and Dr. Moreau (see H.G. Wells 1896 novel), it has been rumored that the Ducks have created an amalgamation of some of the best players in KWL history. Perhaps more disconcerting than this is the idea that they have done so without the consent of those involved, creating a story of kidnapping, mutilation, and controversy. While the KWL legality of such a phenomenon may be unclear, local authorities’ concern is growing surrounding this situation. Taking care not to interfere with the Kalamazoo Police Department’s ongoing investigation, I began some investigative journalism of my own.

Let’s look at the facts:

    1.) Recently, rumors arose that Ducks’ slugger Shevonne Tellado’s Facebook status mysteriously read “We can’t lose now that we have harnessed the god-like power of surgical science!” I’m not sure what this means, but it sounds disturbing. Before I could log on to confirm, Tellado quickly altered her status to “Nothing suspicious here.” Hmmm... incriminating?
    2.) Dani Cannon, referenced in Everett’s 2009 column as having the most powerful smile and attitude in the KWL, supposedly “retired” during the offseason. The fact is, Cannon hasn’t been seen since early November. The last time she was seen, she was witnessed to be sharing a tasty Shamrock Shake with Tellado. And it wasn’t even  St. Patty’s Day yet!
    3.) Monday Night 40s star Steve Everett, whose left arm was referenced in his brother’s column, currently seems to have a shiny, metallic left arm with a mannequin hand crudely duct taped to the end. When I asked him about it, he responded with a voice shaking with fear “What are you talking about? This is what my arm has always looked like.” Also during our conversation, though, Steve told me to “trust no one” and to “let this go while you still can... this thing goes higher up than you would ever believe.”
    4.) Despite his unquestionably impressive statistical record, former Wildies’ star Matt Kirsch, whose hands were praised in Mason’s column, mysteriously remains a free agent. I’ve heard a number of stories as to why this might be, but I haven’t heard a peep out of Kirsch. Could it be because he had his hands severed and stolen by the Sittin’ Ducks!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
    5.) Snowsuit and the Icey Road’s Melissa Brink burst onto the scene in her rookie KWL campaign, drawing attention to her left leg in Everett’s column. Despite having returned from North Carolina to join her former field mates, Brink has been scarce of late and her participation in the KWL remains in question. A photo has surfaced recently, though its authenticity is in question, of Brink with only one leg!
    6.) According to the Associated Press and Sports Illustrated, the Sittin’ Ducks are projected to finish first in the KWL’s American League North Division. This seems like quite a bold prediction unless there is something the rest of us don’t know. 

Could this all be coincidence? Sure. But I also could be Chuck Norris dressed up in a Lukas Pederson suit. Realistically? It seems like something is amiss. I guess we’ll only know for sure when the Ducks officially take the field in late April. Until then, it’s all just speculation... unless someone can find Fox Mulder. And last I heard, he was out in L.A. copulating wildly.

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